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-- Bob's Beer Corner -- Beer Corner – World cup final special 23 Oct 2007 Some of you will already know this but there is a formula you use as a Sawston Rugby Second team captain. It’s known as the 20% rule. On a Thursday night you require a minimum of eighteen players in the team. This figure will guarantee you 14 players by 1.00pm on Saturday. This is to cope with drop outs, hangovers, illness and lazy boys. However this had been an eerily quiet Friday evening and Saturday morning – then at about 11.00 the text beep went. It was one of the strangest moments in my eons captaining the scurvy crew - Wizy Paul had more players – 3!!! This has never happened before – there will be medals at the end of the season for this… Any how, It was a sunny afternoon and I joyfully headed toward the Sawston Rugby House to take part in the Sawston Newts verses St Ives Vets game. It was a friendly and looking at my list of players (28 of them) which is rather unusual, I knew we were in for a good day. I had the legends playing at last in the twos. Robin at 8, Dave P at 9, Nick Y at 10 and Sean at inside centre – brilliant – 10 years too late - but still brilliant. St Ives as we knew would be a little short so Rob V, Saffa Don and I pulled on their very pretty shirts and went out to play. Good game for the twos, magical link up play, Sean scoring twice, Dave P and I missed the other try but I’m sure it was great. I think everybody got on, and Wayne scored for the opposition – naughty man. Then it was to the club house for beer and BBQ and then of course the main event “England vs South Africa” and far too much to drink. The game itself, the bits that I saw, was exciting, England in it to the end but the Saffas deserved the win. We’d done well to take out the Australians and the French but it was a game too far for the boys…4 more years and we’ll be back on top… Drink was consumed at a rapid rate by all who were there, including Billy Wilson (our beloved accountant) who whist wearing beer goggles mistook Pete Humes girlfriend Jo for a seven foot tall Boer and decided to assault her. This cause a huge rush of people to exit from the club, the crowd realising that Billy stood no chance and remembering that their beers were still inside, then all rushed back in. The balance of the evening passed off without too much more incident. Congratulations to Gordon for downing his cocktail faster than Vipers (although I’m sure my four year old nephew could beat vipers in a drinking race), well done to Lewis (my new flanker) for mooning my cab driver (Jo liked your arse by the way) but its OK – I wont tell Pete and a well done to all that played. I left the shenanigans at about 11.30 – realising that I couldn’t physically manage anything further and I hope everyone else made it home safe and sound. My liver is happy the World Cup is over – it hurt on Sunday morning, I am know on detox – no more than 10 units a day for the next fortnight. BOB Best Breakfast in Wales 23 Nov 2006 Generally drinking in Wales the "home of Rugby" "land of someones Father" or "butt of Britain" last weekend with our old mate Dom Dwyer. A couple of things have changed in the last year for our Australian chum. Firstly he's had a baby girl "Arwen Bruce Dwyer" who is cute and smiley - although i think she will have problems in the future with a Welsh/ Austrailian accent. Secondly the Aussie cricket team is resurgent and he stands to take me for a few quid in the next coule of months. He is no longer actively playing rugby - shame...although he has promised a come back in April for our thirty years of drinking celebration Many beers were consumed and curry was eaten....as is the norm. Top Tip - if you're ever in Wales drop round to Doms place on a Sunday Morning - You'll get one of the best breakfasts in the world...... This offer is open exclusively to sawstonbrugby.com readers - Doms place - Compton Street, near the big stadium - and then accross the river, Cardiff... just drop by at about 10.30. Really bad hangover - one of my top 20. cheers Bob FACE OFF - Shocker!!!! 9 Nov 2006 Chairman Resigns in Horror Stand off….. Beer Corner can exclusively reveal today the unfolding events at the club over the last week or so (unless you’ve already heard through the grapevine). Mick “chairman” Tombs – after a roller coaster ride in charge of the rugby club has resigned. The news came after an angry mob at the recent Halloween Disco confronted Mr Tombs over a closing time issue. Several people are reportedly involved and things may or may not have happened during the incident. Sources close to people who may or may not have been there have been quoted as saying…. •“I turned my back for a second and missed the whole thing” Source X •“I was too drunk and don’t remember” Source Y •“the fireworks were great” Source Z Others refuse to speak of the horrific incident and are being counselled by Paul “blind pew” Clarke. An Emergency Committee meeting was convened on Monday to discuss the emergency situation and came up with several proposals. •Apologies should be made •A code of conduct should be introduced •Life bans for perpetrators of these horrific crimes. Think before you drink, before you get all pushy shovey…Is the only message I can put out in these trying times. Please put your veiws on the chat page.. "bring back the Chairman!!!" Bob Child Labour Outrage!!!! 9 Nov 2006 Girls as young as eight – working through the night!! It happens in China, India and throughout South America but who’d have imagined Cottenham would be the centre for child labour in the UK. I arrived at the party at about 9.00pm after setting off what can only be described as some brilliant fireworks (it always amazes me that they sell them to me!!). Dropped my coat on the stairs and went off to find some beer. It was at this point that I was confronted by 2 girls (8 and 10 years old) who took my order for a Guinness and then promptly delivered it to me in the kitchen. Several Sawston Rugby players were actively encouraging this very dubious situation. The girls were also forced to stay outside in the cold with the beer and bring it in to order. As the night wore on more and more beverages were being served – at one point one of the girls confronted an unnamed player (we shall refer to him as Fluffy to preserve his identity) with a vicious cocktail of wine, gin, cider, Malibu and a strange pear drink and proceeded to force him to drink it in one!!! She then forced him to drink another for being “a bit of a puff”. This behaviour went on into the early hours (approximately 3.30am) until all the alcohol was finished. And what is the price of child labour in this near fen land area you ask? £2.30 a night…. Ely and Maizy were the names of the two unfortunate girls and although treated badly, they made a more than adequate “grapefruit surprise”. They could be useful at the rugby club bar at this rate….. Bob VPs Dinner - undercover Exclusive 26 Oct 2006 Beer Corner Exclusive – VP’s Dinner Exposed Last Saturday I went undercover at the Rugby Club Vice Presidents October dinner. I had several pressing questions that needed an answer…. 1) Who are they? 2) What do they do? 3) Why do they do it? 4) What happens at this dinner? 5) Do they serve a purpose in society? Beer Corner can now reveal THE TRUTH behind the VP’s I left the car at home and arrived at the club at around ten to one. Several VP’s were already at the bar drinking beer – approximately 10 in total and had obviously been there for a while. Several were well recognisable faces, Rene “Rene” Genillard, Phil “Jelly” Mason, Martin “tiny bloke” Tomlinson, Billy “tax dodge” Wilson and Steven “Jarvy” Jarvis were all there with beers in hand. There were also less familiar faces some had played rugby many years before and others would have done if the game had been invented when they were still young enough to play. Then more started to show up – Crumble, Terry, Stick then it dawned on me what this was all about – drinking……. As I was under cover I decided to throw caution to the wind and join them with a beer or two – the format was easy. Put some money in the jar, drink beer, eat food, put more money in the jar, drink beer eat food – repeat as necessary. Some random women provided the food – which was palatable enough for the purpose (nice apron Pip) and seemed to soak up the beer that we had consumed. Jokes were told throughout the afternoon – well one specific joke about "inflatable people" that seemed to have “tiny bloke” in fits for the majority of the day. As the afternoon games started the VPs were still in the bar drinking – they eventually staggered their way to pitch side to discuss a wide variety of topics which included. • “How rugby wasn’t like the old days” • “why Justin was playing hooker and why this wouldn’t have happened in the old days” • “the referees decision making and why this wouldn’t have happened in the old days” • “forward play and why this wouldn’t have happened in the old days” • “Back play and why Sean passed the ball to Wayne to score a great try and why this wouldn’t have happened in the old days” • “the weather and why this wouldn’t have happened in the old days” …I think you get the gist of it – whilst all the while throwing abuse at anything that looked slightly different to the “old days”,,,, This should have answered most of the questions above except one “Do they have a place in society” I think they do. They all seemed to enjoy the afternoon. The beer ran out at five pm, proving their consumption rates are still up there with the best of them. I think therefore that VP is something we should all aspire to. For me I need a few more years on the pitch first…. Cheers Bob Footnote: Rick Dean turned up to watch the matches and he’s still ugly and smells of wee.. Like Dr Who and Robin Hood 17 Oct 2006 Like Dr Who and Robin Hood - Beer Corner has been dragged out of the dark ages, given the O'Connor technical re vamp and is back in business.. Some of you older readers may remember the last beer corner was a tale of beer and laughter, more beer, old friends, some beer, my old nemesis Rick “raging ginger homo” Dean and of course beer. So where do we start. Beer obviously!! Some have you may have heard that the club is short of funds, near bankruptcy, robbed blind by thieving gypsies. Well is seems that most of these rumours are true. But who are the culprits for this extensive lack of cash? After extensive research (well i listened to some gossip in the toilets and made this up) we can reveal the following people and products are responsible…… Colin “Baldy” Hall. Legendary rugby player, you remember him as the bald fellow that used to play in the pack but hung around with the backs all the time. It appears that he has stolen his own money and run off to Norfolk to play with boats. The £300 that he used to spend in the bar each month is gone, vanished without a trace!!! Jim “played two games” Stuart. Another hero whose money has mysteriously vanished! At his peak Jim was putting £70 per week into the club funds. Dick and Pies. Again huge contributors to the club via the commodity known as Guinness (£150 per month each). There funding has now been hidden away in new ventures such as babies and wives. Rick Dean. smells of wee. Magners Irish Cider. What the fuck is this crap all about. Paul Mainey asked at the bar two weeks ago for this pint of this well marketed Irish piss. Luckily for him I was serving!!! I had to force feed him a pint of Stella – he soon saw the error of his ways. Better Belgian than Irish I say. Just so that you are all aware the English invented Cider about two hundred years before Julius Caesar invaded Britain. It was then exported around the continent became, famous in France in the 1600’s (Normandy to be precise) and eventually reached Ireland about 4 years ago. The clever guys from Guinness then sold it back to us at huge profits with a bit of clever marketing. The end result for us boys – profit for bar on Guinness of Larger is approx £1.20, profit on a bottle of Magners is about 70p – Just fucking stop it!!! Its costing us a fortune. Justin “kicking boots” Curtis. Seems to be a reformed character but used to spend thousands behind the bar!! Bob. Yes I even accept some of the responsibility myself. I have failed to spend about £2400 in the last year or so. I vow to do better from here on in!! Jurgen and Dan Kot. Just a bit gay. To Conclude We have to do more drinking as a team, If it is cold and wet on a Thursday night, don’t go out side training, have a couple of pints instead. If you don’t want to go training on a Tuesday, sneak past the pitch at about 8.00pm and head straight for the Bar. If you fancy an Orange and lemonade then stop and think, force that first beer down – you’ll get a taste for it and want more. And remember – the more beer we drink, the more Mini buses and pool tables we can have and just think of all the fun we could have with Jarvey with items like that back in the Rugby Club. Next Week in Beer Corner • “Rick Dean Sucks Animals” Colour photos • “who wants to be my new Nemeses” viewers poll. • “One last dig at Rick” for old times sake • "Kicking boots Curtis" the long awaited cartoon series. Anyhow great to be back and if you've got someone who you want to snipe at then let me know and i'll drag up some dirt. Cheers Bob Note: this beer corner does not condone drink driving, unless you're too pissed to know what you’re doing.