Sawston Rugby Club

28th March 2009

Ok after last week’s tirade about Jade Goody I know I vowed not to have a massive rant in my match reports again but there was another story in the news this week that really wound me up.

Jacqui Smith is a lying cow. She claimed expenses for her satellite TV package that included two pay-per-view porn movies. Under the current law she is allowed to claim for Internet access but not for any TV packages. Her defence was that a) she didn’t realise she was claiming for the TV package because it was included in the Internet access deal and b) it was her husband that had been watching the porn. I find this incredibly insulting and a remarkable admission of stupidity. She is telling us that as the Home Secretary she is capable of releasing murderers from prison but cannot read a simple household bill. Furthermore, she will have been sat at home staring at a satellite box saying Sky in bold letters across the front of it for the past 12 months. How can she possibly justify that she did not know that Sky was providing her with TV as well as Internet. No wonder the stupid bitch’s husband is watching porn, he’s probably sick of shagging a retard…

So by now the regular readers of my match reports will have realised that when I have reached this stage of a match report without including any details about the game it usually means we have lost. So yes, just to confirm, we lost. It wasn’t a great game, affected largely by the strong winds, hail stones and sideways rain. Sawston fielded a makeshift team that actually did very well under the circumstances. In fact in patches there were some excellent phases of play. The forwards carried the ball up superbly in 2’s and 3’s and managed to maintain the ball more than in many of the previous matches. The backs did pretty well and made a couple of good breaks. Will played well at fly half against a very solid back row and Tom made sure they always had something to think about going forward.

Unfortunately back play in general was always going to be tough in those conditions. It was summarised quite well by Martin when he came on for Tom at inside centre. Martin is Scottish and normally plays in the forwards but his comment to me (after I recorded it and passed it through a universal translator) was, “Och, I cannee feel ma hands. A wish a had a dip fred mars bar”. Admittedly this does make it a bit difficult to catch, which in turn results in quite a few knock on’s and therefore scrums. This is not an area where many teams compete equally with Chingford. They have a very compact and powerful scrum that on all but two occasions turned over our ball. I understand from Pete that on those two occasions we cheated by engaging early. I just looked at him blankly when he told me, he’d obviously assumed I would understand.

In the end a couple of defensive miscommunications and fortunate bounces of the ball gave Chingford some weak tries that won them the game. Although to be honest they were definitely worth it. I hate playing against them but they are always the nicest guys in the bar afterwards. Their South African coach optimises this by ordering his players during the game to “rip their fucking heads off” and then after the final whistle he buys you a pint in the clubhouse. I guess that’s what rugby is all about.

Final Score 7-29 ish (sorry I never really keep a track of the score)

Team: Mark, Callum, Dan, Tom G, Skippy, Will, Nick F, Pete, Wilf, Joe, Nudger, Don, Vipers, Theo, Dan F.

Subs: Scottish Martin for Tom, Glen for Joe, Alan for Don, James Dean for Skippy.

Scorer: Joe
Cons: Will

Sawston Star Man: In those conditions there were never going to be any vintage performances but I’m going to give this one to Pete. The scrum NOT included, he kept the forwards going forward and made sure that they went in to contact in numbers. He was a calming presence in a feisty game and his cheating also resulted in our only won ball from a scrum. Unfortunately a gale force wind whipped it out of Nicks hands and sent it 40m back towards our own try line. Conclusive proof that cheaters never prosper.

Vipers Award for Idiocy: Another default award for Vipers and rightly so but please let me know if you hear of any stupid behaviour from anyone else in the club. I’m absolutely certain that it is still going on, I just think you guys are covering it up more efficiently!

The small print

This article does not represent the views of Sawston rugby club and may not bear any resemblance to real events. In fact it is unlikely to bear any resemblance to real events. This article is not intended to offend anyone so please treat it with the humour with which is was intended. The author does not pretend to comprehend the rules and is unlikely to account much for forward play as he does not understand it.

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