Sawston Rugby Club

20th February 2010

Sawston V Old Albanian’s 3’s

Danny Cipriani is an idiot isn’t he? He’s supposed to be the prodigy of English rugby but he shows us this by moving to Australia with Kelly Brook - actually, now I think about it, he is not that stupid. My point is that Wasps spent years coaching him and introducing him into the first team and ultimately earned him a few England caps. Then he had a couple of serious injuries meaning he couldn’t play for about a year. Now, finally, he is back and approaching his best form, Jonny is on the slide and he announces he’s going to live with the ex-cons, rattle snakes and Harold Bishop. Where is his loyalty? Just look at Jonny himself, who is even more to blame. He spent years getting treatment from the Newcastle physios only to get fit and move to France and become one of the standout players in the Top 14.

Actually you don’t even need to go that far. Amazingly our old prop Joe, who showed Ashley Cole style loyalty and appeared against us on Saturday for the second time this season. Although instead of playing for Shelford as he did the first time we saw him, he turned out for Old Albanians. He should be careful, soon he will have played for more local clubs than Ash!

So I think it’s about time that something was done about it. I am pleased to announce the launch of our new Sawston Club Card. It works in much the same way most club cards work but you earn points by turning up for training and appearing for the club on Saturdays and can be redeemed in the bar afterwards. Like Tesco, the scheme will be deceptively ungenerous. Only after playing every week for 20 years will you have enough points to get a free out-of-date bottle of Becks. Points can only be claimed for appearances made after this date and are not redeemable for matches played in the past. The moment you play for any other club, all points are forfeited.

So you have probably guessed by now that due to a lack of account of the rugby on Saturday that we lost. It was a pretty good performance against a good team but ultimately our error count cost us the game. Penalties, missed tackles and ball fumbling were the main offences that only make the result more frustrating. There was a lot to be positive about though. We dominated the scrum and lineout and turned over lots of ball. On a different day we might have won but it was not to be.

The result effectively hands the league title to Old Albanians who, let’s be honest, are worthy winners. They are by far the best team that we’ve played this year and their record speaks for itself. I will stop short of congratulating them just yet as there are still a number of games to go and you never know what could happen. Their recent loss to Welwyn shows that they can be beaten… the fat lady is not singing yet (Vipers is still trying to shag her).

Sawston still have a lot to do. We need to redouble our efforts in training with some tough games against Bishop’s Stortford, Cambridge etc still to come. It would be nice to finish the season on a high and earn some more loyalty points!

Final Score 8-18

Team: Dan O, Callum, Jay, H, Martin, Ash, Mark P, James, Wilf, Beasty, Don, Theo, Vipers, Robin, Dan F.

Subs: Mad Ben for Vipers.

Tries: Wilf

Pens: Mark P

Sawston Star Man
Wilf scored one of his ferret on red bull tries as he scuttled off the back of a maul and shot through a toilet roll sized gap into the try area. His throwing was straight (mostly) and he played his part in a dominant scrum.

Jay however takes the award for the way he changed the game when he moved to fly half. With Ash playing well at 9, they combined well to get quick ball to the backs. His kicking was as consistent as ever throughout the game with some great kicks deep into the opposition 22.

Players Perspective
Vipers injury obviously frustrated him. After limping around for a few minutes with a potential serious knee injury Robin, James and Wilf decided to take him off. In response to his substitution he threw a monstrous teenage tantrum, throwing his shirt to the ground and shouting words to the effect of (imagine the voice of Kevin the teenager from Kevin and Perry), “Ugh, it’s soooo unfair. I hate you!”

Coaches Corner
James was uncharacteristically pleased with our performance so instead of getting the hair dryer treatment after the game he actually complimented us. Perhaps his perspective was different when starting in the front row but instead of abusing him I will thank him for his support. Chris Shaw however is not so lucky. Chris decided that for the most important match of the year he would go to Birmingham for a day out. That’s commitment for you. I mean fine, go have a day out, but Birmingham! It’s like saying, “I would like to play rugby but unfortunately I have decided to have my car stolen, smear myself with dog shit and have a rectal probe inserted.” As I believe in punishments to fit the crimes I urge you all to pick up some dog shit on the end of a stick and throw it at him, or alternatively ram the stick up his anus or steal his car... or all three.

The small print

This article does not represent the views of Sawston rugby and may not bear any resemblance to real events. It is not intended to offend anyone… actually that’s probably not true as I aim to offend everyone in the club at least once a season. Don’t take it personally though. I do not pretend to comprehend the rules, especially as the new rules are now the old rules and the old, old rules are back again. From time to time I will refer to “scrums” and “rucks” and “mauls” in these reports, but please be assured that I don’t know what these are.

Sawston loyalty cards may or may not actually exist. The scheme is honoured at the discretion of Sawston rugby club and can be withdrawn at any time.

Sawston rugby club does not endorse car theft or sexual attacks and refutes scientific evidence that dog shit can blind you.

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